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Sunday, January 7th 2007 at 10:40 pm
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THURSDAY: met up with justin & watched him sand his truck.
FRIDAY: watched him sand more. ralph is hilarious. went bowling with alex & katie and her ex- tito or tonto whatever. well alex & justin started fighting about nothing and they kept going even after i told them to stop & covered justin's mouth. so i went to the bathroom & came back and got my shit and justin & i walked out. a black dude hit on me from his car and i ran away after fucking glaring. then a mexican said Hey baby, so i screamed fuck you get in your car. then some woman yelled at him for pissing on her car then after they left, she ran over a bottle that the fucking dickwad put under her tired. i made justin stay awake & talk to me till like 5:30 then he went to bed at 6 & woke up at 8:30.
SATURDAY: babysat at 4.
SUNDAY: new years eve. went shopping with kels, got allison, went to the twins, got justin. his truck is black with blue flames on the front, its beautiful. i love it. i kept him up like every night for the past week either on the phone or staying out late. he came over here with me & allison and we watched a movie till my dad got home. i was outside smoking in the rain and i made him come out & stand in the rain with me and i kissed him really hard & i felt Stalin playing peekaboo. it was so funny.
MONDAY: justin took me to this ledge thingyyy and we watched the sunset. it was sooo sweet of him. it was cold & these people were standing there talking. but it was nice. then we went to his house and watched jackass... maybe? or that might have been a different day. i cant fucking remember.
i started that a week ago or something like that and i cant remember what i did that week.
i went to lds with kels & took her home and we laughed a lot.
me & allison & justin went bowling and chris v. showed up & she made out with him a lot. it was awesome that night.
the next day i went to justin's and we were making out on the couch. and it got pretty intense then he took me in his room and he started taking my pants off then i said fuck me and he was like OKAY and grabbed a condom. but since i got him so excited it only lasted a minute and he was embarassed/disappointed. i didnt care though cuz he fingered me for a while and it was fabulous. he whined about his small dick too, and its not that small.
then today. omg today. i slept till 2:00 then justin called & he came over then we went to his mom's for dinner.
then we came back here and watched the devil wears prada then he fingered me. omg. i swear to fucking god he knows magic. he put his left hand on this one place near my stomach and he rubbed the right places and found the right spot and made me orgasm TWICE IN 8 MINUTES. jesus.
i'm going to his house to fuck tomorrow then going to taco bell and sally's to get hair dye.
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Thursday, December 28th 2006 at 12:54 pm
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worst christmas of my life.
FRIDAY: i went bowling with justin & alex and his g/f and her friend. it was pretty fun. got home at 2, texted justin & told him i have no idea what i'm waiting for, so now we're officially together. hooray.
SATURDAY: we woke up & had our christmas here. santa brought me my iHome. i got a coat, a belt and a watch that all have to be exchanged because of sizing/appearance issues. i got earrings, pajamas, $25 to pacsun(which i spent most of yesterday), and $50 to journeys to buy shoes. which i am shopping for this second. i need kels to help meeee. my moms lesbian friends came over for dinner and it was really weird. that night, justin & alex came and got me. we cleaned his car out at the car wash then went to some places that were supposed to be haunted and the castle rock thingy was fucking scary, there was a man with a hood moving around on top of it... except it was probably a shadow. still scary!
SUNDAY: got up early & drove to wva. had christmas dinner with gma rosie & gpa dale. maddie was there, she's so cute. she talks a lot now & the way she says stuff is soooo adorable. she got like 29343287342 presents cuz she's the only little kid left on that side of the family. me & the cousins had a lot of fun. i was in a bad mood cuz of pms.. urg.. so everyone was pissing me off. but my parents were being extra asshole-ish and my brother was a total jerk as usual. then we opened presents & i got some pajamas, cocoa wheats, cute earrings, and $10 to kohls.
MONDAY: christmas day. we went to gma carlena's at 1:00 and ate a huge dinner. then we opened presents & no one got me anything on that side cuz i'm not a little kid anymore. but i didnt expect anything anyway.
TUESDAY: we came home. i dyed half of my hair purple then allison & i went to the mall then she spent the night then she threw a fit cuz i wanted to take her home and i wouldnt let her read my conversation with kelsey. we watched Kids and i got a 15 minute lecture from my mom why i shouldnt be learning about the urban life of teens. bitch.
WEDNESDAY: justin came over, then i visited him at work, then i took him & leah to the mall, then i snuck out with him last night. me, him, alex, & jake went to wal-mart then McDonalds. McCoffee is DISGUSTING- like coffee flavored piss mixed with water. they had beer but we didnt drink.
THURSDAY: today. i woke up, did nothing, smoked a cigarette then got sick. it was so weird. i just sat down & then BAM i threw up. then i took a shit and now i feel better. i'm going to hagerstown at 3:30 then picking up justin at 7 & we might go bowling. and today is kels's one year anniversary with chris. and for high school teenagers, thats a long fucking time. they've been through a lot of shit and she loves him soooo much. i really hope they fuck today, dude. haha.
i did not throw up the whole entire break. which means that i gained back ALL of the weight that i lost... which might be none. whatever. i ate like a cow this weekend. boo.
i have to go shower now.
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Thursday, December 21st 2006 at 10:08 pm
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i swear to fucking god. i am going to kill leah. i am so angry right now that i cant even begin to rant about her.
she doesnt respect other peoples stuff. AT ALL.
she has OCD sooooooo bad but no one will fucking do anything about it, not even herself.
she's the most fucking bratty person in annoying. i have never met anyone so self centered and careless in my life.
i didnt find his necklace. i'm so pissed.
he made me a cd and its soo cool, he made a big cover for it and stuff.
i'm making me & justin official on christmas day. i'll call him from WVA.
i wish i werent so afraid of being with him again.
is it terrible that i am sometimes ashamed of him?
yes. thats absolutely awful.
but its nothing like last year.
he's changed. and so have i. we've grown up a lot.
i forget what i was talking about. meow.
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Wednesday, December 20th 2006 at 6:20 pm
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justin bought me a super duper pretty necklace. i put it on.. after i untangled it.
then he gave me the other half of his heartagram. but i lost it. i'm so so so pissed off. i cant believe i did that. i think i left it in mr. kady's room. or maybe art studio. whatever. if i cant find it i'll buy another one & wear half. haha.
i was so happy. he gave me the pretty one in a box. then after i hugged him later he slid the heart into my pocket. and i pulled it out after he left. and kels watched me smile and went "you loooove him." i was like DUH.
last night, i made him promise me to love me even if i change. thats why everyone else left me. i changed, i guess. or they just saw the real me. but justin knows me for real. he's seen me change. and he still loves me.
he said he's never stopped loving me and never will.
and i told him not to let me run away again.
and he said he's not gonna lose me again & he wont let me run.
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Tuesday, December 19th 2006 at 4:28 pm
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meow.
first all of my brain cells melted away.
now my eyeballs are melting, they wont stop dripping.
my mouth melted today. and my hands. they were too tired to drive. so i pulled over at subway and sat for a few minutes. my mouth wouldnt stop smiling cuz it was completely relaxed.
i hope when i die, my mouth relaxes and i'm smiling when they bury me.
i just IMed sean & asked for my book. those 8 words hurt. because i really want to talk to him. but i know i cant. because he doesnt want to talk to me. i'm retarded, dude. whatever.
i'm going to james gang with justin. byebye.
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Sunday, December 17th 2006 at 9:09 pm
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justin's christmas party.
it was pretty awesome.
well. sorta. we didnt really do anything.
but it was still really fun.
we sat around with old people and talked and i attempted to drink liquor, but i was too queasy to drink it.
so we ran around with little kids and took pictures and ate food.
then we went outside, then upstairs.
we were on the couch with this freshman named tiffany and justin's little brother, brandon.
we watched tv & listened to music.
tiffany thought we were dating.
and so did 7 other people.
4 of them suggested we go out.
we act like we're dating. we hang out like every day & flirt a lot.
even jon gamble is confused why we're not dating yet.
justin & i stilllll havent talked about it.
i guess i should explain.
its only because i dont want justin, sean, or anyone else to think i'm a bitchy skank.
sean and i havent been over that long, and if i started dating justin i'd look really bad.
i dont want to be in a relationship, so dating him would make me a hypocrite. even if we are gonna get married.
but i cant use the excuse that i've liked justin for a long long time. which i have.
because that would mean that i only like justin when there isnt someone better to date.
which isnt completely false.
i thought justin was over me, so i got over him. so i dated sean.
but that was stupid. because i think i knew all along that justin still loved me.
but i stepped right on his face & fell in love with sean.
then like.. immediately after i started dating him, i really really missed justin.
it was fucking weird. cuz we hung out, me and justin & sean.
and being around him made me want to be around him without sean.
which was also fucked up.
i'm fucked.
i've decided just to wait a while.
maybe we can be like this forever. in love, but not together. then it wont be so hard to forget about eachother then randomly meet up & get married.
what am i talking about?
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Sunday, December 17th 2006 at 1:56 pm
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i realize that i have turned into my brother.
i treat leah the way he treated me.
she cries in her room everytime i yell at her.
i realize now that joe wasnt that awful to me, and i overreacted.
but i still shouldnt do this to her.
theres a difference this time.
she and i are both girls, and i actually talk to her when she's not being a faggot.
she kinda looks up to me, she takes my clothes and jewelry and makes me teach her things.
lastly, she usually deserves the yelling...
my mother wont yell at her like she yelled at me. so i have to do it. i hate acting like her mom but i kinda have to lately since her actual mother is too busy going to school and hanging out at the pool hall. leah has never been disciplined for anything she did wrong. she always gets out of it. anytime she is being a brat, i end up being screamed at by my dad. my mom practically hates her though, but she still wont boss her around or anything like she did to me and joe. i take leah everywhere, i feed her, i make sure she has her homework done. its so fucking annoying.
i had a goal. i've been losing weight. and i'm trying to lose enough to fit into my favorite sweater that i bought at express 2 years ago. i wore it like 2 times then it didnt fit anymore because i got fat.
so when i walked into the living room, and saw my 13 year old brat sister throwing a temper tantrum and wearing MY fucking sweater, i flipped the fuck out. i started fucking screaming that its my sweater and to take it off and i paid a shitload of money for it and i am so fucking tired of her taking my shit. she started crying and telling me to get away from her. which pissed me off more. because she's only crying because she's tired and my parents wouldnt let her go shopping, which they were doing FOR HER CHRISTMAS PRESENTS. and she told me to go away. when all she had to do was take the fucking sweater off. i'm not going to feel sorry for her. because i used to do the same thing and it is fucking pathetic. so i threw a chair at her.
i dont have anything to myself anymore. she takes my earrings and loses them because she doesnt wear backs on them. THE BRAT TAKES THINGS THAT BELONG TO ME WITHOUT ASKING THEN LOSES THEM. i honestly had no idea that people could have so little respect for other peoples stuff. she takes my shirts then argues that it looks better on her than on me because she's skinny. so i sit in my room and cry. and never get my shirt back. i'm gonna fucking kill her dude. she took my favorite earrings a few months back that i paid like 10 dollars for and she was wearing them without backs, so i ripped them out of her ears and put them back in my room. then she took them the next day. so i went to rip them out of her ears and my dad said to leave her alone. HE TOLD ME NOT TO BOTHER LEAH ABOUT THE EARRINGS THAT SHE FUCKING STOLE FROM ME. she STOLE them. then the next day she took them again. and when she came home from school, she put one of them on my dresser. the other one was GONE. i swear to god, i wanted to stab her.
little things like that fucking add up.
so today, when she was wearing my skinny sweater and it looked good on her. i threw a fucking chair at her. she called my parents crying and joe sent her to a friends house to get away from me.
what the fuck is wrong with me?
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Saturday, December 16th 2006 at 12:42 am
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meeeeow.
thursday, i drove kels home.
then i met up with horseman& alex and got high & walked around middletown. then we sat at safeway & waited for gamble and when he got there we talked with nick ferrini or whatever and i couldnt tell if he was looking at me or safeway. fucking lazy eye. he gave me a free pack of cigs. and alexfaggot owes me two packs. and joey youngerman owes me one. or $4. then gamble & horseman and i watched a movie together. then i went home.
today i went to the mall with horseman and ran into gamble, chris v., thea slutface, carrie and fatass willie, and jared v. and some girl. then gamble & horseman and i went to a movie with alex & katie. but we left early and went to ihop.
jon's a real ass to me, but its funny. its just annoying that he is not able to say one thing to me that isnt making fun of me. i want to talk to him and explain that i'm trying to fix shit with justin. thats why he hates me. but i wanna tell him i'm fixing it. he asked why we werent dating anymore. i just sat there and justin grunted and changed the subject. fucking gay.
the only time i ever eat food and keep it down is with justin. i ate subway. then i had french toast, but i threw that up.
time for bed.
tomorrow is leah's nutcracker performance at 2, then i leave early to go to justin's christmas party.
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Wednesday, December 13th 2006 at 12:19 am
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i went to justin's & watched tv with him & alex. then we got bored so we went to my house & made mashed potatoes before heading down to FSK mall.
we walked around for a while then alex's gf took pictures of us. justin's so funny. we put a bow in his hair & it made me wish he was a girl. or gay.
then i talked to alex & i was amazed at myself. i realized that i need to be a good friend to justin before i can ever be his girlfriend. i treated him like shit for such a long time, i need to get some practice at respecting other people first. i'm working on it, i really am. i try not to treat him like my bitch, even though he is ;]
corey & i started talking. and its nice to have actual conversations with him. i hate empty aim convos. he still cares about me but i made him not love me anymore. i told him i treat my guy friends like shit & use them when i'm lonely. and he said he had nothing to lose. so whatever. what he doesnt know is that i have no intention of hanging out with him or talking to him on the phone, because i dont want to. last time i hung out with him i decided .. ewwwwwww. but its all good.
so i drove off the road & hit a sign cuz i was switching my cigarette to the other hand & i dunno. i just ran over a sign. i got stuck in the mud, so alex drove it out while these two guys, justin, & jon gamble pushed on it. i felt so fucking stupid. its pretty funny though.
i love hanging out with justin. its ridiculous, but i can totally be myself all the time. i dont even have to remind myself to be normal, i just am. i'm totally comfortable with him.
we were sitting in the mall cuz i didnt wanna walk cuz my tummy hurt. so i laid my head on his shoulder & he put his arm on the back of the bench. he was really nice & didnt put his hand on my shoulder, just put his arm behind me to make me more comfortable. it was sweet.
well i shouldnt be writing this cuz i have to take 5 pages of notes, do a 20 question study guide then do 3 study guide sheets for english. and i didnt start any of it until 10:30. i'm fucked. goodbye.
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Monday, December 11th 2006 at 4:52 pm
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i ate today. hoooorah.
i went to kelsey's and she took pictures of me until faggots came then she took pictures of katie.
ummm. yeah.
no ones gonna be home till 7... so i'm stuper bored. stupid horseman has to work today & i dont wanna go visit him alone.
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Sunday, December 10th 2006 at 8:50 pm
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yesterday i woke up at 2, took logan home, showered then babysat. i didnt see any of my family the whole day.
today i slept till 10:40, when my dad woke me up & told me i was babysitting.
so i went up & watched tommy for a few hours, which was annoying cuz i wanted to go to the party justin's mom had for his sister.
but then i came home & went for a walk with marvin. then i went to the twins. then we went to tym.
i was stoned at a catholic youth group. fun shit. i was so loud.
i told the youth pastor i didnt believe in god and catholic people are full of crap. then i convinced them my name was really Helga, like my nametag said. cuz when i'm high, i am helga. then i turned the sophomore boys next to me & said "i'm helga. i'm from germany. i like little boys" so the kid next to me scooted away. then he scooted back & smiled at me. it was so weird.
i love meatballs.
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Saturday, December 9th 2006 at 2:46 pm
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i've been hanging out with horseman a lot lately.
its fun.
we went to kelsey's and watched Unfaithful. it was cool.
then we went bowling and kels couldnt go :[
but jessica, nikki, mel & logan came. then alex took us home & logan spent the night. we went to bed at like 4:30 and woke up at 1:30. haha.
its been fun spending time with justin.
but i miss sean so much, its insane.
i know i shouldnt.
but i feel like i lost something so good.
and its all my fault.
i just couldnt sit around and wait for him. i felt pathetic.
its so terrible loving someone and knowing that they dont feel it as strongly as you do.
i think it is the most disappointing thing in the entire world.
i dont know if i'll ever be ready to, so i'm forcing myself to move on.
i have to forget about it. i have to forget the most happy month of my life.
these dreams that we got back together arent helping. i need to turn off my brain when i sleep.
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Wednesday, December 6th 2006 at 2:48 pm
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is it possible for your brain to collapse?
to just like.. stop working the right way?
i dont feel sorry for myself.
and i didnt even worry about it until today.
i had 3 anxiety attacks or whatever you call them. i had two in english then one in journalism. usually, i just try to breathe and not move too much. but in journalism, i couldnt do one of the assignments. my brain stopped working & i couldnt think of a way to repeat consonants in a sentence. so when he called on me, i ignored him because i couldnt breathe. then he came & asked if i was ok. so i started crying. it was fucked up.
today was bad.
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Monday, December 4th 2006 at 7:05 pm
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i'm a bitch because she can't hear me??
she said hello, i said hi. she said I SAID HELLO. i said I SAID HI.
she asked what was for dinner. i told her beef. she said WHAT? i said FOOD. she said, i'm tired of your attitude. its going to stop.
i should be like this more. maybe she'll send me to someone new. not nancy. not someone i want to fucking strangle every time they speak.
i need help, dude. its too hard to do it by myself.
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Monday, December 4th 2006 at 6:14 pm
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kels gave me an idea. steal christmas. YAY.
speak no evil, don't you think no evil, don't you play with evil.
hear no evil, don't you see no evil, don't you lay no evil down on me.
<3 Dimmu Borgir. yeahyuhhhh.
justin picked me up after school & we met alex at fcc. then we played with photoshop for his gf.
then we drove around frederick & backroads of myersville. on the way home, i was lighting a cigarette & the wind blew my hair & i caught it on fire. i just smiled & watched it burn until justin smacked me in the head. now my forehead is red & my hair is completely burnt off in the front. oh well, less to blow dry in the morning!
i ate a bowl of cheesy vegetables today. i feel good.
justin is so funny. we played with alex's hunting stuff in his car. then they pretended to be gay. then they joked about how the last time alex saw me i was puking a river next to his car. and the last time i was in his back seat, i was piss drunk, shirtless & on top of horseman. hahahahaah. good times, dude. except for getting caught. eh.
we were singing avenged sevenfold together on the way home. hehe.
that whole cd reminds me of justinnn. its great.
no more tommy, i'm sad. i'll miss himmmm.
so i really like justin. i've always loved him. but i honestly cant imagine being with him right now. not yet, at least. i dont really want a serious relationship, which is what i know he'll be looking for. i dunno if he even likes me anymore.
he has this necklace. this is going to sound stupid. theres like 2 necklaces & they connect to make the HIM heartagram. and i want half of it. really bad. just.. because. but i cant. he always plays with it & takes it off & puts it back on. its so annoying. cuz i wannnnnt it.
not yet, though.
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Sunday, December 3rd 2006 at 10:31 pm
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i went shopping with kels yesterday.
got presents for almost everyone. i finished up today. i'm completely broke.
we went to fsk, then to vibrant artwear which is awesome & soooo cheap. then we got lost and then found starbucks & subway. mmmm.
then i got home & justin was online. so he asked if i wanted to hang out. and i said yeah.
so he came over. then we went & saw casino royale then went to denny's. i liked the movie ok. it was really fun in denny's. i really missed justin. but last night was awesome. so then we went to mcdonalds & i got a mcflurry on the way home. after he bought me a movie ticket & breakfast & coffee. i felt bad, but he said he didnt care.
i keep having these dreams that sean & i get back together.
the one i remember the most, is we're walking in the mall. then i find sean & we talk then we start going out again... then sean says he has to go talk to sean about it because we're going out & sean is my ex. i was so confused when i woke up. like, i keep forgetting that we're not together now. and i keep finding things that remind me of him and it makes me sick to my stomach. its freaking me out. i keep hearing his laugh too. i loved his laugh.
he was too immature for a real relationship. it was awesome at first cuz it was more like puppy love. he just had a crush on me, and crushes always wear off. so once it did, he stopped calling me and it went to hell. then he broke up with me and made the huge mistake of getting back together with me. that was stupid, he didnt even like me anymore. or at least he didnt act like it. i was pissed that he was at the skating rink, i went there to get away from him. fuck it.
now that i have my license & so does everyone else my age, its gonna be easier to date people. cuz you dont have to be like "wanna go out with me?" and have that mean that you're officially a couple. it can just mean, lets hang out one night. i hope me & justin go out more, cuz it was really fun & my parents like him.
i hate chris steckbeck too. he was at the theater when i went w/horseman and i told horseman that i hated him, and he said i know. hahah i forgot chris was in our health class. he's so lazy, he copies my work in english every day cuz all he does is sleep. & he snores really loud. & he's an asshole to everyone.
i hate christmas time.
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Saturday, December 2nd 2006 at 9:58 am
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i broke up with him.
it was to avoid getting hurt.
and because i thought it was really immature how he ignored me all day.
and nothing has changed this week. so i gave up. just like i said i would.
i did it in a message. i felt pathetic, but i could not wait until monday and i refuse to call him. i hate phones.
then i went out with the twins. we went to hard times then ice skating.
guess who was at the skating rink?
so we avoided him successfully until ashley ran up behind him & pretended to smack him in the head & chris v. saw it. hahahha.
its so much fun skating, i wanna do it every friday. its really good exercise too.
it doesnt really bother me that i'm not with sean, cuz nothing has changed from the past few weeks. i'll just really miss talking to him & hanging out with him like we did the first month.
i miss everyone. corey ray, horseman, allison, meghan & ashley.
i'm going christmas shopping now. bye.
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Thursday, November 30th 2006 at 7:01 pm
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i found more reasons why i'm fucked up.
my eye wont stop twitching.
everytime i let my brain actually think, i feel sick.
sometimes, if i think too much, i get physically sick.
i cussed out my therapist tuesday night.
i'm considering dyeing my hair green or black.
or both.
i feel like my brain collapsed today.
last time i felt like this was in ninth grade.
and that was because i got an average of 6 hours of sleep in a week.
now i get about 11 hours every day.
i sleep. then i wake up & realize they're is nothing to do.
so i go back to sleep.
then i wake up & wash my face.
then theres nothing to do
so i go to sleep.
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Thursday, November 30th 2006 at 2:43 pm
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i made marvin a cheesecake.
i parked in the middle of two spaces.
its raining.
i feel sick. i hate this. i feel anxious.. about nothing.
fuck.
i offered sean a ride home. then he mummbled something then said he had after school detention. i think its bullshit & he was finding another way to avoid me.
i told him many times that i wanted to hang out with him. i begged him to hang out with me. i told him i missed him. i told him it bothered me that we havent seen eachother outside of school in over two weeks.
i dont get it. if he doesnt want to see me, then why is he with me?
i fucking hate this. it is starting to be just like with retard. i dont want it to be like that. i told him a million times, i dont want it to be like that. he got mad. but he didnt do anything to prove that he isnt like jesse. this is bullshit.
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Wednesday, November 29th 2006 at 8:52 pm
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i dropped leah off at dance
nikki, mel & logan came over to say hey.
we talked.
nikki said i should drop by whenever i go to sean's house.
i just drove away really fast
so she wouldnt see me crying.
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shutupwilla's journal
